Hello guys,

WARNING: THIS ENTRY IS NOT CHILD FRIENDLY!!!!

I have this song playing in my head by Salt-N-Pepa … “Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and all the bad things that may be… let’s talk about sex.”

I am so excited to bring this conversation up, OMS (Oh my sweets). Now I am a newbie at this but I think this conversation is more geared towards women who were like me. So, a little history on me…. I did not have intercourse before getting married. I engaged in A WHOLE BUNCH OF foreplays but never the full course meal (if you get my drift… lol) because I was wanted to save myself for my husband for 2 reasons:

1. Religious
2. I thought it was beautiful for my husband to be the only man to have enjoyed me in that way

I digress, the reason I wanted to talk about sex is because in most cases women who were once like me (inexperienced) kinda get uncomfortable when it comes to having this conversation with their spouse; especially if they are not being pleased properly. I want you to know it is very healthy to talk about sex, sexual pleasures and sexual aspirations with your spouse. You would be so SURPIRSED by some things they say. If you do not know what questions to ask, go on Amazon and look for a sex game that has questions and dares in them. Create a pleasure game night with you and your boo and GO TO TOWN on your forever person.

SO a few months ago, I shocked my husband because I bought an arousal gel and he could not believe that I purchased it. He was completely dumbfounded. I explained to him what I planned to do with it and he shared what he always wanted to do with his wife (that would be me… heheh) . We shared these ideas and did them together. He never approached me about these things because he did not feel comfortable talking about sex.. well with me. I had to reminded him that all of him belongs to me and all of me belongs to him, it makes no sense to be selfish and not share his sexual pleasures with me.

The gist of this entry is DO NOT BE SELFISH and keep your sexual pleasures or things you may want to experience to yourself. The Lord blessed you with a spouse to do life with, if the Lord says the bedroom is undefiled in his eye then why should you be uncomfortable about it. Child, you better GGOOO TO TOWN with your spouse. Don’t be selfish; go ahead and talk about it.

Hello guys,

I am back, so much happened in the past few weeks. My step mother came back to town and has had some personal things going and it took most of my time bother emotionally and mentally. She will be leaving soon and I our schedule will be back to normal.

Until then, I will do my best to post on time.

Anywho, love you guys and here we go 🙂

Hey seeds, just wanted to come on and say that I will not be posting anything this week due to a previous engagement I have an forgot about. I will have something for ya’ll next week.

Hope you continue to grow.

Hello Rooties,

Hope you guys had a great week. First thing first, I want to apologize about last week. I forgot to let you know I was going on vacation with hubby and would not be posting anything. Sorry about that.

Today, I want to talk about the rule of honesty. Now I am sure most of you know, honest is the best policy but did you know most married folks are not honest with their spouse. Its important to be honest and more then ever its important on how you delivery that honest statement and you have to be willing to receive it too. When I first got married, there were a few things I would tell my husband but my delivery of this honest statement would never be received and I would just get more and more annoyed because it would changed. So one day, I was talking to a friend and she said, ” Your job is not to tear your man down but to build him up.” You can be honest and still provide encouragement with your honesty.

Example, last week my husband and I got into a “passionate discussion” (lol- that is what we call it in my house lol) and in my mind I wanted to say you are showing me love in a lazy manner because your communicating love me to in the way you want me to communicate it to you but not the way I NEED you to communicate love to me. Your a not a very good husband right now because you are not listening to what I am telling you I need. But I flipped it and said, “you are a good man and a good husband; we have only been married a short while and I do not think you are taking the time to LEARN me as your wife. As I said before you are a good husband and you WILL be a GREAT husband.” His response to me was “What if I never become a great husband?” I told him ” you don’t have a choice but to be a GREAT husband.” In that moment I communicated 4 things to him

1. I communicated acknowledgment. I acknowledge all the good things he has done as a husband and how much I appreciate him.
2. I communicated honesty without tearing him down or hurting his pride.
3. I communicated who he is and will be to/for me.
4. I communicated reaffirmation. We are married until one of us dies, I will not leave you and I KNOW you will not leave me (because he said so) so our only option is for us to make it work. He will be a GREAT husband to me and I a GREAT wife to him; and that can only happen when we take the time to learn each other.

So rooties, be sure when your are being honest to stop and encourage him during your “passionate discussions” if because if you don’t your words will cause discouragement or angst. He may not want to talk to your for a while and may feel hurt because he may think you do not appreciate him.

REMEMBER: it is YOUR job to build man up not tear him down. 

Alright seedies, hope you have a growing week and a blessed one.

Feel free to leave a comment or send an email to tell me what you think or if you have an topics to suggest regarding dating or being a newly wed.

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Hello Seedies (still trying to find a name lol),

How was did you grow this week? Hope you grew well and strong.

Well today’s seed (knowledge) is about being you and being beautiful. So this is a very important reminder or seed. I mentioned it before your husband married you not be his mother or his sister. He married you because he wanted to build his life with you and create a legacy and clearly he did not choose to do with his with mother. He choose to do it with you and you him.

Normally, when you first get married, the things you enjoyed doing by yourself tend to fall my the wayside. For example, before I got married, I would go get my nails done religiously every 2 weeks. Once I got married, I stop getting them done after 3 months of marriage. Why? Because I moved, having to look for another salon that is up to my standard is too much work AND I cook about two tikmes a week. I mean my whoel Sunday after church is dedicated to cooking and baking. With my hands in water that often it just made sense to stop, right???

Wrong, what happens is, once you compromise one thing you enjoy doing that give you time you kinda start compromising everything else. For example, I loved to decorate my house for each season, I stopped that, I loved arrange flowers for my house.. Stopped that too… I loved to go out to dinner or the beach or even sit by the lake..you guessed it… I stopped that as well (stopped doing that before COVID, so i can’t blame it one the virus). I loved to journal… stopped that… I loved dressing up and wearing heels to work (heels con be comfortable, you just have to find that right one) …. you guessed it… stopped that too, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED dancing ballet… ding dings ding ding… I stopped that too. Almost everything I enjoyed doing, I stopped because it was getting in the way of my “wifely duties” based on my culture (we will discuss this in depth in another post.) My Haitian culture basically taught me to forget about me and do everything for my husband or else he will leave me (smh lol). When I was younger, I would say, “I guess he is gonna leave because I am not doing all that, he better take me as I am and accept when I can give,” I refuse to do all the things I saw my aunt and my mother doing… funny thing was they hired help to help them accomplish “their wifely duties.” After hearing it for 29 years of my life, it started to grow roots in me and I fall for the cultural okey doke. (Best believe I still do my wifely duties, I am just not doing them everyday- cleaning everyday, cooking everyday, and doing laundry everyday…. NOPE, NOT DOING IT; and guess what, my husband is alive and well. This was a conversation we had before we got married- also will be discussed in a later post)

Until one day, I was having a conversation with my friend and they started talking about their perception of my when we first met. Then they asked me a very deep question, “What happened?” I stepped back and took a deep look at myself and asked the same question, “What in the world happened? When did I stop doing the little things that I enjoyed? When did my standard of me change?” From that day on, I went back to doing what I enjoyed because it make me happy and indirectly reminded my husband who I am. The saying a “happy wife, happy life,” is essentially true but in a very very different context. Your happiness is not dependent on your spouse, it largely based you. How can you truly be happy within yourself, if you forgot you? How can you enjoy life if you stop doing everything you enjoyed because your main focus has become your husband. (Please understand, I AM NOT telling you to be selfish or toss your husband aside but seven days out of the week is all about work, home, your husband and the kids- if you have any. When will it be about you?). I’ve realized, when I am happy, my husband is happy which then makes that house happy. So now I some (about 3) of the things that makes me happy (if i did everything that made me happy, it would ruin our financial situation).

My question to you is, what did you enjoy doing before you got married? Go back to doing it because I grantee you, it will make you happy and if it doesn’t or its not cost effective, find something else weather it be an activity or just something simple like going to the beach (due to the pandemic U understand that is not possible- find a lake). Budget with your husband for it and do it. Go live by YOUR standard, not by your culture or what other people say. LIVE BY YOUR STANDARDS, LIVE BY YOU (now if your standard is beyond your reach or what you can afford -like shopping or something that requires BEAUCOUP money; I would HIGHLY suggest you find something else that makes you happy). It will save and change your marriage because you are making you happy. Before you got married or was in a relationship, you did not rely on a man to make you happy. Sssssooooo, why are you relying on your husband to do that task now? (That is a heavy burden to carry). The happiness he brings in your life is an added bonus, it not the source.

Go find your happiness again because your happiness depends on it, your feeling beautiful depends on it, go BE- U- tiful.

Feel free to leave a comment or send an email to tell me what you think or if you have an topics to suggest regarding dating or being a newly wed.

Alright seedies, hope you have a growing week and a blessed one.

Love, RL

Hello Seedies,

How are ya’ll growing this week? Hope you guys has a good one. As for me, it was a little hard due to work. But thank God for a long weekend. Anyways, we are not here to talk about the exhausting week, we are here to share what I learned this week (which was several things).

Last week we talked about your husband is not a child and must not be treated as such. Your husband not marry you to be treated or spoken to as a child but to join together with you and grow together and fulfill purpose together. Today’s post is a continuation of last weeks post;Let Your Husband Be Himself. DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT try to change, force or manipulate him into being/doing someone/something he is not. It will backfire and hurt…. BELIEVE ME.

When you allow him to be himself you also learn from him who he is and what he is does. This ties into a previous blog posted earlier one about no expectation. Having no expectation for him other then the basic expectation (he loves you and your respect him), he will not feel pressured to be someone different with you (his wife) and his friends. When you met the man and dated the man you know certain habits he had before you said I do. So in the world would are you trying to change that. If it was a red flag for you then you should have never said “I do“. You loved him then so you can love him now with those same habits. Solution, communicate and compromise.

Examples, so this week was more like a realization instead of a seed of knowledge for me. Since, I stopped expecting things from my husband, I’ve seen a completely different side of him (which I LOVE). My husband, likes to take sometime to himself. Now when we were dating, that was ok because we were not in the same house but once we got married, it annoyed the living day lights out of me. I would nag and complain about it. Until a few months ago, I just stopped and thought about it; “This is something he has always done and has said he does, so why would I think because we are married it would change?” So when I think he needs time to himself, I ask him is that what he needs. If so, I just let him be and I do me; once he is good, we talk about it (because i do need the communication to know what caused you to go in this space) and move forward into a good time. Once I started stop expecting and gave him the space to be himself, he speaks his mind more which gives me the chance to understand how to thinks better and why he does what he does. He is a lot more vulnerable and I get what I always wanted him (time, more affection and more physical touch). It just has been flowing in a such a great manner because I have stop expecting and just let them man be himself and in the same process I learn more about him as well.

In the same process of letting him be himself, pay attention and learn your husband. Life is too stressful for a man PERIOD, so add that on to the pressure of being a HUSBAND/FATHER. The whole family decisions is weighed upon his shoulder, then to turn around and come to a home (which is suppose to be a sanctuary for him, a resting place for him) that is stressful because of all the expectations he feels he has to live up to; THAT IS ALOT.

Allowing your husband to be himself it the key to getting everything you need. Yes, there are habits your husband will have that will annoy you and that is when you talk about them and come to a compromise and move forward.

In my example,

So, these past few days i have really been thinking of change the name of this blog because initally when i stared this blog it was based on the concept of growing your roots deeper in your relationship with God as a single woman but clearly that is not the direction we are on since i have been married. LOL.

The new name of this blog will be…. (duh duh duh dummmmmmmm): Marriage seeds and will be posting CONSISTENTLY on Sunday (that is shade to myself lol). I am so excited about that.

The reason for the name change is because these rules I give on a weekly basis is based on what I’ve learned about myself that week or weeks prior in regards to a healthy way to handle issues that comes up in a marriage (especially new marriages). The Lord dropped on my heart “Marriage Seeds” because new knowledge learned are seeds that you can sow into your marriage to make grow roots that are grow deep and strong daily… again especially in a new marriage. Forget about what you thought you knew of marriage and lets discuss what we need to learn about ourselves in regards to marriage.

I am so happy and excited, I will have a logo or backsplach (whatever it called) with the new name. I am ssssssssssuuuuuuuupppppppppppeeeeeeerrrrrrrr dddddddddduuuuuuuupppppppppeeeeeerrrr pumped.

You guys have a great weekend and stay tune for a new post on Sunday.

Sincerly, RL

Hey roots,

How are you growing this week? ( I’ve thought about that saying all week lol). Hope you guys had a good week of growth and such. As discussed, this is a new journey for me and I am learning something new EVERYDAY and sharing it with you and grow together.

I literally learned this rule this morning, my husband is not my child, he is my HUSBAND. I am sure you have all heard this saying, “a husband is like a child“. Well, that is not true, he is not your child; he is your husband and must be treated as such. I grew up in a household where my father acted like a child because my step mother ALLOWED him to. When he did not get his way, guess what he did? Threw a VERY big tantrum and she just let him have his way. Until the poop blew up in their faces and she was responsible to clean it up. I can only imagine how draining that was.

So this week, it came to my attention that my husband has a habit of not listening or acknowledging what I say if he doesn’t think its important to him. I will say something and he would not respond or he would just change the subject. It makes me feel like what I have to say does not matter or isn’t important enough for his attention. This issue happened 2 days in a row, I promise you I wanted to give him a peace of my mind but I did; instead I sat down to process exactly how I felt for two reason. One, I am working on being a better spouse. Two, I want to honor God in my marriage with the words I speak. The bible says in Proverbs 15:4 “A soothing tongue speaking words that build up and encourage is a tree of life but a pervasive tongue speaking words that overwhelms and depressed.” Proverbs 18:21 “death and life are in the power of the tongue“. James 3:1 “the tongue is a fire…“. The words I speak, can either tear down or build up, I am in the business of building up. In the past, I would just go off on him -as a parent would a child- but as a wife, I am learning to stop, think, and articulate. So this morning, when he wanted to joke around, I expressed to him that I was mad last night and why I was mad. As I was expressing myself (as an adult), I realized something; I do the same exact thing to him. Once I realized that, I apologized to him for disrespecting me and he apologized to me for doing the same. We talked and came to a resolution. If i had gone off on him like i did in the past, he would have shut down and not heard a word i was conveying in my anger. We had this conversation earlier this morning and i see him making the effort to listen to me no matter how minute or ridiculous the subject might and I am doing the same.

Lesson learned, your husband is not a child so not treat him like one. He did not marry you to be his mother, he married you to be his wife. The duties of a mother is different from those of a wife. If you brought up in a house like mine, this will be a challenge but you got this. The dysfunctional marriage ends with you, it will not be a generational curse. The minute you stop treating him like a child he will start acting like a husband. When you take a stand and challenge him out of his comfort, he will grow into the man he was designed to be for you.

Alright roots, wishing you an wonderful weekend and next week. Have a great week guys and I hope you continue to grow deeper roots in your marriage as I am in mine.#unapologeticallyrooted#notsorry.

Sincerely, RL

Hey Roots,

Here we are for another week with wisdom nugget i learned or noticed this week. When you first g4t married, it is very important to have NO EXPECTATION. I mean expect your spouse to respoect you and love but but if you have expectation of your spouse helping you clean the hosue are washing dished or something as simple as taking the trash out. DO NOT have the EXPECTATION of your spouse to it. Important to have a clear conversation of how this person is.

Example: When my husband and I were dating I would ask him questions, like his cleaning habits because it was important to me to know if I will be cleaning the house by myself or will I get assistance. So, he told me he would clean thoroughly. He would take 2 days to clean his bathroom alone. He soak his tub for 2 DAYS…. My thoughts, oooohhhh he is definitely going to help me clean the house when we get married. PRESENTLY, TODAY my husband only clean his tub. Not to say he will not clean the house but he cleans the shower floor consistently. When we first got married, it made me so MAD how that he did not clean his WHOLE bathroom (Now I know most of you are saying, if its his bathroom then his responsibility. My response, that mindset will not create a successful marriage. Being married is like being part of team that you will never be traded from. It takes a team to make baskets or goals.) He would clean his shower, the sink and the toilet but yet the floor would be dusty, and full of hair from his head and bread. So to me, the bathroom was not cleaned. EVERY TIME I walked in his bathroom, I would get upset and annoyed because I expected him to be cleaner then this based on he how described his cleaning habit. A few weeks ago, I realized, because of my expectation it cause frustration and attitude on my part and he could not see or understand why. I would get upset every time I cleaned his bathroom. Now, I do not get upset or annoyed to clean his bathroom floor. Matter a fact, I came up with an idea on how to keep his floor clean; I buy wipes and pour pine-sol and Clorox in it and let it soak. Every 2 or 3 days, I go in his bathroom and use the wipes to clean his floor so his bathroom remains clean. I even thank him for cleaning his tub because its one less thing I have to clean.

Having expectation will cause disappointment which results in hurt which results to giving an attitude, then an argument and if the issue is not resolved there will be offense and resentment. No marriage is fun with EXPECTATIONS. Outside of husbands loving there wives and wife respect their husband there should be no expectations. So my advice to you, is to throw ALL expectation of what you think EVERYTHING in a marriage should be like away because it will cause nothing but heartache and headaches.

Have a great week guys and I hope you continue to grow deeper roots in your marriage as I have with mine.#unapologeticallyrooted#notsorry.

Sincerely, RL

Hey guys,

I figured we would talk about communication. I am sure once you got engaged, you probably heard, “Communication is the most important key to a marriage” not love or money but communication. If you are like me, you see a couple that has been married for 20, 30, 40 years; you see their intimacy, communication and connection and want that for your marriage. The ONLY way to get that is through communication, a healthy communication builds trust and honesty. With communication comes two routes to choose from either you react or respond. Reacting is doing exactly what you want to do, which can be to cuss, walk out (I’ve done that once smh), be rude, disrespect, avoid or anything that will cause the people in the house to be uncomfortable. Responding is thinking of the best and constructive way to express yourself to your spouse without disrespecting them.

Its important to note that, how you were raised weighs heavy on how you communicate. Not to say that your communication skills can’t change, but the primary way you respond/ react to a situation is a depiction of the communication skill you learned in your household. So for me, like most household, there was frictions but the way my parents communicated in an argument was UNHEALTHY. One minutes, it was an argument, the next they were laughing; nothing to seem to be resolved. As an adult, you say, “that will never be my marriage”. WWWWWEEEEEELLLLLL guess what, it will be because you never learned how to communicate during and after discord. So now, my communication skills was to react instead of respond. I will be completely transparent and communication skill was to avoid and act invisible (which is very rude). Now, have gotten much better at responding instead of reacting doesn’t mean I’ve mastered it. My first reaction is to ALWAYS avoid especially, if I’m in the wrong, but then I remember the benefits of responding. It will take me a few days to approach the situation but I no longer avoid.

Example: A few months ago, I was touching my husbands arms and he told me to stop because my hands are rough. That comment hurt my feelings because what I heard him say was he “hates when i touch him, like it makes his skin crawl” (I know that is not what he said but that was what I heard). Reason: my past, my step-mother a nurse and she washes her hand constantly but doesn’t put lotion on, so when she was holds my hand or touches my arms are whatever, I WOULD HATE IT because her hands were so rough and because she is an island parent, I was not trying to die by telling her that. So, I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. Going back to my husband, when he said my hands are rough, my mind immediately went back to my past and remembered how much I HATED when she touch my arm or my hands (my past thoughts are in my present thoughts). Since I did not like my step mother hands, I thought my husband doesn’t like my hands and doesn’t want me to touch him EVER in life (AGAIN, not what the man said but what I heard). I was sad and hurt, I held on to that for a while. I reacted to what he said and did all to avoid touching him (it was hard because he is a fine man with nice arms and such.) He thought I was mad, so he stayed in his office late most nights. Finally, I asked him does he hate when I touch him, he said no I just need you to put on lotion (lol). Especially since the pandemic, we have had to wash and sanitizer your hands like 150 x a days. After he said that, my response was a shrug and ok his response was a kiss.

At that moment, I need to learn to stop avoiding issues and skirting around that and just come out and say or ask what for clarification. I initially reacted to my husband by assuming and avoiding him and he did the same to me. But later on, I responded to him by asking for clarification and his response was a kiss.

When you respond instead of react, there are no assumptions, no disrespect nor avoidance just truth. Practice responding instead of reacting not only in marriage but in all you do.

Let me know what you think or what you’ve learned thins week, believe me I’m interested. If you have any questions, suggestions, or comment leave it in the comment lol. (I know corny but funny lol).

Ya’ll have a great week and remember to #unapologeticallyrooted#notsorry.

Sincerly, RL