Hey guys,
I figured we would talk about communication. I am sure once you got engaged, you probably heard, “Communication is the most important key to a marriage” not love or money but communication. If you are like me, you see a couple that has been married for 20, 30, 40 years; you see their intimacy, communication and connection and want that for your marriage. The ONLY way to get that is through communication, a healthy communication builds trust and honesty. With communication comes two routes to choose from either you react or respond. Reacting is doing exactly what you want to do, which can be to cuss, walk out (I’ve done that once smh), be rude, disrespect, avoid or anything that will cause the people in the house to be uncomfortable. Responding is thinking of the best and constructive way to express yourself to your spouse without disrespecting them.
Its important to note that, how you were raised weighs heavy on how you communicate. Not to say that your communication skills can’t change, but the primary way you respond/ react to a situation is a depiction of the communication skill you learned in your household. So for me, like most household, there was frictions but the way my parents communicated in an argument was UNHEALTHY. One minutes, it was an argument, the next they were laughing; nothing to seem to be resolved. As an adult, you say, “that will never be my marriage”. WWWWWEEEEEELLLLLL guess what, it will be because you never learned how to communicate during and after discord. So now, my communication skills was to react instead of respond. I will be completely transparent and communication skill was to avoid and act invisible (which is very rude). Now, have gotten much better at responding instead of reacting doesn’t mean I’ve mastered it. My first reaction is to ALWAYS avoid especially, if I’m in the wrong, but then I remember the benefits of responding. It will take me a few days to approach the situation but I no longer avoid.
Example: A few months ago, I was touching my husbands arms and he told me to stop because my hands are rough. That comment hurt my feelings because what I heard him say was he “hates when i touch him, like it makes his skin crawl” (I know that is not what he said but that was what I heard). Reason: my past, my step-mother a nurse and she washes her hand constantly but doesn’t put lotion on, so when she was holds my hand or touches my arms are whatever, I WOULD HATE IT because her hands were so rough and because she is an island parent, I was not trying to die by telling her that. So, I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. Going back to my husband, when he said my hands are rough, my mind immediately went back to my past and remembered how much I HATED when she touch my arm or my hands (my past thoughts are in my present thoughts). Since I did not like my step mother hands, I thought my husband doesn’t like my hands and doesn’t want me to touch him EVER in life (AGAIN, not what the man said but what I heard). I was sad and hurt, I held on to that for a while. I reacted to what he said and did all to avoid touching him (it was hard because he is a fine man with nice arms and such.) He thought I was mad, so he stayed in his office late most nights. Finally, I asked him does he hate when I touch him, he said no I just need you to put on lotion (lol). Especially since the pandemic, we have had to wash and sanitizer your hands like 150 x a days. After he said that, my response was a shrug and ok his response was a kiss.
At that moment, I need to learn to stop avoiding issues and skirting around that and just come out and say or ask what for clarification. I initially reacted to my husband by assuming and avoiding him and he did the same to me. But later on, I responded to him by asking for clarification and his response was a kiss.
When you respond instead of react, there are no assumptions, no disrespect nor avoidance just truth. Practice responding instead of reacting not only in marriage but in all you do.
Let me know what you think or what you’ve learned thins week, believe me I’m interested. If you have any questions, suggestions, or comment leave it in the comment lol. (I know corny but funny lol).
Ya’ll have a great week and remember to #unapologeticallyrooted#notsorry.
Sincerly, RL
In Eden 